We always think when we go into a place of business that there is a person in charge. A manager or supervisor. Crazy to think there are some places that there is not either.

I had an employer that did not have a supervisor or a manager the whole time of my employment. It was always confusing when there was a concern or if there was question of a procedure, there was not an employee handbook or any written policies or procedures to be found.

I've worked in small clinics in the past but this was my first to have all so-called policies and procedures just "told" to me. There was some "procedures" that were told to me after the fact, like the one about "winter parking" which winter had happened and then I was told in a not so professional way the policy on that. That was just a very small part of my "training".

When I was hired it was the providers that were in on my interview and one other person from the office. I thought since this person was in on the interview process, and they had spoken to her like she was the office manager that she was in charge of the office as well as the employees.  

I found out through time that although she was responsible for payroll and many other “office” managing responsibilities, she was not the person in charge nor was she the one that would take care of managing staff.

I discovered no one really was in charge.

If you worked there, you were the “boss”, so it seemed. There were a few staff members that were very knowledgeable of the office. They knew their jobs well as they had been long term employees, they were just unprofessional in so many ways.They had their opinions of others in the community and of those that worked in the office, as well and were not discreet about their opinions. Many times, they could be overheard talking about someone or other employees. 

The office mentality was "why change if it's not broken". They were stuck in the "old days" and their "old ways". They would talk about retired employees and how they ran "ship", like they were so wonderful, but from the stories, the reality was they were workplace bullies. That culture lives on, sadly.

It was obvious to the public as well as to other employees, the unhappiness in this work environment.

The “standing” office rule seemed to be that anyone at any time may fly off the handle at anyone. No tact was needed. Anyone at anytime could speak and treat anyone anyway they wanted to. This included tone used on patients,as well as staff, and confrontation in front of patients. I had never in all my life of working in a place of “service”, knew that people could be so catty to one another as well as to customers.

It was a hostile environment.

It was common for staff to come into work and not say, “Hello” or even a “Good morning”. This was so different from my other places of work. They would “battle” over the thermostat and so much more. So very controlling and this was just one thing. I was constantly witnessing this "power trip" mentality all the time. Employees would keep track of who has gone on vacation and the last time they had called in sick and how much more work they did compared to others.

I was constantly wondering who was in charge.

From my first month of employment and on, I found myself growing more and more anxious over the behaviors that I was witnessing as well as the attacks.

Sometimes, these attacks would come out of nowhere like scolding me for doing things that I thought was promoting patient care and services in which they made it to be that the provider was upset about it.

When these kinds of behaviors were brought up to the providers, attempts were made to shift the workplace to be functional and courteous, but as we all know it is easier to fall back to what you know and not to change or improve.

Nothing changes unless something changes.

In my year of my employment, I never was told that I did anything well. I was never given any positive feedback. It was a negative environment to be in day in and day out.

I was aware of the employee turnover rate, but I was not aware of why. It did not take long to learn though.The employees would talk about ex-employees so dismissively. I knew then as I know now, unhealthy people blame others and do not acknowledge that their actions are the result of the reaction. Sometimes people talk bad and make others the bad guy to make themselves feel better about how they treated that person.

I left one very stressful job where I did not feel valued right into a very toxic work environment in less than a year, which left me feeling hopeless and honestly, scarred.

One morning, there was some workplace drama, which was not so uncommon, so many processes were redundant that it was easy to fail, so different from my LEAN processes that I had been trained on in my previous employment.

After this incident, an employee had taken all of her personal belongings and left unexpectantly, when asked where that employee had gone, the answer was nonchalant and uncaring. This sent me into a full-blown panic attack. It troubled me so much that a person felt so low that she left with her belongings, and no one seemed concerned. Not one cared. It was business as usual.

That was my straw. I broke.

I left for lunch that day, I went to my parents home, as I did many times over my lunch period. I was shaking, my heart was pounding, my arms so weak. My breathing was rapid. They had significant concern for me, after almost a year of hearing my "wow" stories they knew I couldn't go back and I knew, as well. I could not continue to work in this type of environment.

I sent a text, I couldn't call. I couldn't return. I just sent a text. Maybe not the most professional thing to do, but at this point I had felt they had showed me their professionalism,so I guess I matched it. I told them that I would not be returning.

I could not work in this type of workplace where there is no direction, no boss, no advocate for the patients or for the employees.

I needed to take charge for myself.

Although, I had so much relief I was also so sad. I was sad to experience this and to have the realization that this type of workplace and environment exists. I was saddened that a place that my family and myself had been long time patients at and have supported for close to 40 some years was not what I so wanted it to be or thought it was. It was kind of like a "break up" in a way.

I was later informed through community "rumor" that they were informing others that I was fired, although my screenshots tell another story, as it was more of a resignation with reason and not returning.

I left for lunch, had a panic attack stimulated from my work environment and didn't go back. If they want to continue their toxicity by not accepting fault of the environment they condoned and want to say I was fired then so be it.

Again, So be it.

Those that know me and love me are all that matter. I do not need to prove my heart or define my character to anyone. I know who I am and don't have anything to prove to anyone but God, so I'm good. 

It took time, but eventually could see the good in that day. My eyes were opened.

I was able to take charge of my life again and to find value and my worth, not to mention that I was way too nice to work there anyway, so I have been told.

I am thankful to feel in charge again.

I had read a quote, "A toxic work environment will most likely change you than you are to change it."

Take charge.

I pray that if you or someone you love is ever found to be in a situation like this one that they find the strength they need and get out.

I am in charge, all through His grace, I know. 

You got this.