It's on You.

The past few years have been about healing.

Over time, I had changed. I would look at myself in the mirror and many times, I did not recognize who I was. I had become insecure. I had become withdrawn. I did not have motivation to do anything. Many times, I felt  so alone. 

Although, in reality, I was far from alone. I was loved. I had people that truly knew who I was and knew my heart. I had people that understood me and provided me with so much love and support.

Sadly, the people and situations that made me feel lost and not valued were the ones that had swallowed me. I was consumed by them and their way of thinking of me. Their negativity grew in me. I allowed their thoughts of me to change who I was. 

I became an expert at shielding myself through smiling. If you smile, no one knows how sad you are feeling inside. 

I learned, that my healing was not on anyone else. It was on me. I was responsible for my thoughts, for my feelings, for my own heart.

My healing started with removing the "negative" from my life. I left my job(s). Yes, I left two jobs in the past few years. One I was employed at for more than a decade and the other one, my health could barely tolerate for a year. I went to lunch and did not return. It was the moment, I knew that I needed time for myself to heal and I could not "people" while healing.

I started my healing by deleting hurtful conversations. Rereading them only took me back and not forward. I deleted phone numbers and blocked contacts.It was refreshing.

I unfollowed. Social media sometimes would get too "loud" for me. It would pull me into traps that left me feeling "not enough". I allowed time for myself and especially time with God. Without Him, I am not sure how anyone can find peace or completeness.

For me, busying myself with yard projects and other tasks helped in finding my worth, again. Fresh air and labor were definitely the best rejuvenation and easiest way to shut off the outside world.

I was reminded that comments or quotes that empowered others "to do what makes YOU happy", were words that were not driven by God, as it is not always about us and what makes us feel good, but if we do what pleases Him, our happiness will follow. 

I have always been one that shared what I was feeling and am an open book, even if no one asks or if they did ask, they may wish they hadn't.  I am not ashamed. "Oversharer", I have been told. I even had a friend that proposed that I  journal privately instead of using Facebook or other social forums to express myself. I love to write, but if I only write to myself, I wouldn't be able to connect with others that could relate. By writing and expressing how I was feeling and sharing with others, I found that I was not alone. It was the step forward for me. 

"It's on you.",I say to myself, as a reminder. It's not on others to find your joy.