Not Taking The High Road

About, "taking the high road", I wouldn't say that I'm confrontational, but I have been known not to know when I should just let be what it will be.

Especially, when it comes to some things that I am passionate about.

I am passionate in caring for those that are in my family, my church, and in my community.

I have always been passionate about doing what is right or following the rules, especially following rules provided to keep us safe.

I'm a rule follower for the most part. That can be good and and could be a fault.

I worked most of my adult life in healthcare, in which there are many rules and guidelines to keep patients, visitors and staff safe.

My last years in healthcare was in a role that initially, I was supported in and was encouraged to share my knowledge. I was provided the tools to do so and was also empowered by our administration team, as well as directors that I had worked closely with at the time.

Over the years, and being in a non supervisory role, and having many changes in leadership many times over and not to mention, Covid, my value was shifted.

Eventually, my knowledge and years of training were not inquired on or seeked out, as it seemed everyone was an expert. Everyone from Facebook to anyone on the street were experts.

My passion for what I knew and loved was no longer valued.

Over time, I know my work ethic had declined, as well as my health.

I could sense the change in me. My anxiety that I had experienced many years ago, after a traumatic loss, reared its angry head again. 

I found myself having full blown anxiety attacks that would leave me breathless, chest tightening, arms like jelly. Symptoms that would last for days without relief.

I experienced headaches, stomach upset, insomnia. I had experienced left arm ache and had to have multiple electrocardiograms. Many times these episodes started on a Sunday night and periodically during the work week. Weirdly, I would have a rib that would go out and need repositioned.

It's crazy how stress and anxiety can make you physically ill.

I was going to work, but found myself distracted. Unorganized. I no longer was working on projects or improvements, as I was not always included. I was just going through the motions.

My "purpose" was gone.

One Monday, I was given an invitation. As we walked together down the long hallway, I remember stating, "I have not done anything wrong." The answer in return, "We will see", with a smirk. That minute, I knew my allowance of this and feeling of inadequacy was done. 

The high road, was not for me.

That day, I claimed my health back. 

The second the words came out of my mouth, I knew, I was "free", I felt ten pounds lighter. My shoulders were no longer heavy.

I could breathe.

Honestly, I did not know how much weight I was carrying, until that moment and even up to the minute when backing out of my parking stall, I didn't look back. I didn't shed a tear and still haven't to this day. 

I have never had regrets of how I left that day.

It was utter relief.

Sometimes, not taking the high road is okay. Taking care of yourself always should be our first priority.

I'm still not myself, but I may never be who I once was. She might be gone forever.

Life changes us.

I'm still finding who I am, but most importantly, learning to love myself again.