So Heavy

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So Heavy

Give yourself grace, as this is your first time living.

I haven’t written for a while.

I went through a time of feeling like there was a weighted blanket on me, but it wasn’t comforting, it was too heavy, and I could not shake it off.

The changes in life and our roles can make such a big impact on how we feel. I had started writing to express my feelings and although I never felt like I was a great writer, I just felt impelled to be honest about my life and to put it all out there that is until this past fall season.

I know I haven’t written for months.

Something changed in me and no matter how many times I went to sit down to type out what I was going through or how I felt, I just could not find the words.

I was overwhelmed with sadness.

When school started back in August, our youngest left to experience his second year of college almost 7 hours away from us and our middle son’s work schedule changed as well to coincide with his college hours. Our daughter-in-law and grandkids resumed their work and daycare schedules and then it was not too long from there that harvest started and that is when this overwhelming feeling that I could not get out from under just got heavier.

Although harvest kept me busy, the feeling and strain of “loneliness”, I could not shake. I had that heaviness on my chest and could not catch my breath. Any other person would have thought they were having a cardiac event, but after years of anxiety, I knew what this was, or thought I did.

The previous year was such a full year that I did not have a chance to feel the “lonely” or to grieve, as I had discovered was really what I was dealing with.

My youngest son in the previous year was not involved in a fraternity in his freshman year in college and he welcomed all visits and looked forward to seeing us. This fall his schedule was busy and he had less time for visits and when we did visit his time spent with us was in short periods. “I can see you between this time and this time but not again until tomorrow at this time”, kind of thing. Although I was so happy for him and loved that he was confident and comfortable in his new setting, I missed him. Also, last fall was our first harvest with our eldest son and family back after getting his DD214 from the Marines and there was so much to do along with the excitement of welcoming a new grandbaby in the spring.

This go round, it was different. I was alone for many hours of the day and although I was responsible for rides, lunches, snacks and getting moved from field to field, there were still many hours for thinking and missing.

I became so sad and so alone. Alone in my feelings and in my head.

How can someone who likes to be alone feel lonely? I could not understand it.

I was depressed.

I knew I had anxiety from time to time, but this depression feeling was all new to me. I had gone off my anxiety medicine in April and was getting along just fine and then in September I started waking up sad and going to bed so sad. All I knew was anxiety, so I thought that was what it was so to feel better I just had to grasp the anxiety, so I thought.

I bought a gadget to help me remember to regulate my breathing. Anytime I felt anxious, I would set the timer for 3 minutes and do my breathing exercises. “deep breath in…and then out”…repeat over and over. I just wanted anything to help get me out of this feeling and to not have to take that awful medicine that numbed me so much that I couldn’t even cry tears while I was on it. The breathing and the gadget did not help.

Eventually, the harvest season ended, and the loneliness and sadness still waned on. It was just so heavy. With encouragement from my family and husband, I made an appointment to see our provider as well as a counselor.

I was put on medicine to help with depression as well as anxiety but with less side effects than the previous medicine that I had taken. I saw a counselor for several weeks, I am not sure it was the right fit as I never felt per se, “good”, after our sessions, but I did come to discover that a lot of my sadness was from grieving from the loss of my identity.

I no longer held a “title”, so I thought.

For many years, I was known in our community as the mom of our boys and also as the infection preventionist at our local hospital. I held a role that I was trusted in and was respected, at least in my earlier years, I felt anyway. Even prior to that role I was known from my employment at our local clinic. I had found that I had always been given validation of my worth or given acceptance from the outside world and from that felt that I was well known and even liked.

Somewhere along the way I felt that I had become an outsider and did not belong to a community, especially since I no longer had a child in the school system, nor did I have a place of employment with a title.

When I recognized what I was feeling and could talk it out, with my counselor, my husband as well as my sister-in-law, with the time the heaviness lifted.

I know I am loved, and that I am appreciated. I know this without an annual review or from opinions from those that do not matter.

Even with reading inspirational quotes, writing daily affirmations and listening to motivational speakers, it can all be a lot of, “blah-blah-blah”, I know, as it was not until I could feel my calm again could I accept and know my worth as well as my new titles: I am a mamma, still a mom, I am a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, sometimes a gardener, housekeeper, and I am sure there are many other titles.

Validation and love do not come from others; it comes from within.

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